There are a lot of things that once I start thinking about, I can’t stop. One thought leads to another and I find myself in a dark place again. I often wonder, how much of myself should I be sharing with people? Do I only blog about new work, and anything photography-related? Or can I tell people that I, too, feel things? I keep thinking that it would be so much easier if there was like a manual of what not to do, what not to talk about. I think, I wish I could just ask someone “should I write about this?” or “is it okay to talk about this?”. I’ve been the kind of person that does things based on people’s approval and validation. What if people stop following me if I talk about something personal? I always told myself that I want to help people, to inspire people, so what if by talking about something negative, I’m only attracting more negative thoughts?
But I’ve reached the conclusion that I do want people to really know me. And clearly, the darkness in my images stems from somewhere within. But also, photography is my therapy and my release.
I had a long discussion with my sister about one of the things I’m very insecure about – and I know it’s really silly. I’m terrified of annoying people. I’d make new friends, and want to talk to them all the time but I keep thinking “what if they feel like I’m being annoying?” or “what if they realize I’m really not an awesome person?”. So my sister said something like “that just means that you don’t think you’re an awesome person, you don’t believe in yourself”. And it’s true, to a certain extent. I don’t think I’m a great person because I worry that if I do, I’ll be shallow and conceited. That doesn’t mean I hate myself, not at all. I’m learning to love and accept myself, slowly, but I am. But something that always worries me is this: I meet a new person, they think I’m awesome and fun and great to be around, until they hang out with me enough to realize that I’m really not. That fear started because it’s happened before, I’ve lost people for no reason and it hurts.
I’m afraid of being myself. And that is something I’m determined to work on and fix. We all need to love ourselves and accept ourselves despite our faults. I think that acknowledging our faults is the first step, and figuring out how to fix them is the next.
What are you insecure about? And are you working on fixing that? If you’ve read this far, then thank you so much. And know that if you ever need to talk, just send me a message and I’ll be there. Hugs for everyone ❤
Here is an image I shot last month and recently finished editing. I shot this on what I think was the last rainy day in the UAE. Sigh. Goodbye winter, you will be missed!