Fear can be the most crippling thing sometimes. It stops us from going after our dreams and it definitely makes our day-to-day lives so much harder. I’ve mentioned before that I get anxious sometimes about new relationships; always worried that I would end up being too annoying and driving people away. But I always convinced myself that it didn’t mean I didn’t accept or love myself, it just meant I want to make sure I don’t hurt or annoy anyone and also make people like me. Of course, we all want everyone to like us. But I know it’s impossible, there’s bound to be at least one person who’s going to hate me for absolutely no reason. But that is okay.
I let fear take over when it finally hit me that I’m losing a good friend. My friend is moving away and I let it affect me way more than it should, to the point where I’d feel so sick I’d have a hard time getting anything done and I’d start obsessing in my head. And when the obsessive thoughts take over, it’s the hardest thing to break free.
I’m always tempted to delete anything I write that’s too personal, but I want to be honest. I’m not perfect and I don’t mind people knowing that, I actually want you to know it. I’m always going back and forth between wanting to be a better person, and accepting myself for who I am. I wondered (and I still sometimes do), that if I strive to be a better person, to change, does that means that I’m not trying to accept myself or love myself for who I am? And how much of me should I actually try to change? We’re always taught that we have to love ourselves, that nobody’s perfect, so should we really be striving for perfection? We all know that that’s unattainable.
When it comes to fear, I realized that the only way out is to let people in. Those who care about you wouldn’t think you’re crazy, and they’d want to be there for you. Let those obsessive thoughts out and in the end you’ll be able to laugh about them. I get terrified about the silliest things (and I know they’re silly), like summer. I don’t like summer. It’s the combination of the heat and routines changing and a bunch of other stuff. So I either let myself spend the next few months feeling awful, or just take one day at a time, talk to people, and not live in my head. Needless to say, I’m going for the latter.
I think that every now and then, I’ll have those crazy-obsessive-thoughts-can’t-get-out-of-bed days, I can’t stop them. But I have figured out how to deal with them. The most important thing is really believing that they won’t and can’t last forever. Find strength within yourself, you’re capable of so much more than you think.
So that’s what’s been on my mind lately. I’ve got a bunch of pictures from the exhibition and I’m super excited to share them with you! Every week, I’ll post one picture from the series I did. They’d most likely be accompanied by a blog post, but if not then they’ll be on my Facebook page and instagram.
Huge thanks goes to Nadeem Rifai for taking the pictures of me with Anna Seaman. Anna interviewed me last week and also stopped by to see the exhibition, such a sweet person! If you haven’t read the interview, it’s here.
On the day of the opening, I thought I’d taken lots of pictures. Then I realized I only thought that because almost everyone was taking pictures with their phones so I assumed I’d have some pictures of the event (that aren’t selfies), but I don’t sadly. It went well, for a rushed and first solo exhibition. I won’t deny that I put myself down wondering why there aren’t more people, but I was surrounded by my best friends and I couldn’t have asked for more.
The series is called There Is Magic Here, and here’s my favorite one.