How often do we start down a path only to turn around out of fear? How often do we have a dream and then fail to live it? There are so many wasted moments, so many pieces of time that are lost because of fear. There are moments that could be, and moments that will never be, and if we focus on the moments that have passed we might miss all of the moments of our future.
– Brooke Shaden
I have been filled with fear and I’ve been too scared to admit it. I didn’t want everyone to know that I’m stuck and going through some sort of block. But I’ve always been honest about how I feel in the hope that someone will identify with me, and know that we’re not alone.
I’ve been shooting so much and feeling very dissatisfied with the final outcome. Some pictures I even gave up on without even finishing them. I didn’t know why, I didn’t know what was happening to me. Of course I panicked and thought, what if this is it for me?
But now I know I was wrong. Instead of dwelling on shoots that (I think) failed, or how I’m not creating as much as I used to, I’ve decided to slow down. Brooke made me realize that it’s not that I’m not, well.. as good as I used to be, but I’m pushing myself to dream bigger. And that is not something to be ashamed of. In the past I did a lot of images that were easy, technically. That enabled me to do more work because editing didn’t take much time. I think being in that mindset made me not have the patience I need for the more complicated work I want to do.
I could sit here for hours and come up with a million excuses for why I’m not creating, but that won’t do me any good. I need to remind myself of why I started this in the first place – not to put my name out there or gain likes or followers, but to heal myself, because creating filled me with a sense of joy that I now long for, and I’m determined to get it back. And when I started this journey, and I received all this love and support from my friends, family, and you guys, I realized that that became another reason for me to create. To bring people together, to let you and everyone else know that we’re not alone, that it’s okay to not be okay.
I don’t want to waste any moments in my life. I want to live in love, in hope, in beauty. I don’t want to be filled with worry. I don’t want to be pressured with deadlines or feel like if I don’t create and post work continuously then people would forget about me. If that means falling behind on the 52 week project, then that’s okay. There is time.
Dreaming is becoming. Dreaming is building a life around yourself or building yourself into a new life. That life is filled with wonder and awe and unknowns and fears. But the pursuit of a dream is moving past that fear and embracing everything on the other side. We are artists, we are people who want to pursue our passions. But not pursue them, we want to live them. We are people who have bigger dreams than our imaginations can contain. And so we spread those dreams across our cameras or canvas or computer screens and we present them to the world. Why? In the hope that others will get lost in our dream too, in the hope that others will pursue their dreams. So how then do we overcome our fears to free us up to chase our dreams. We realize that the happiness in our lives is worth failing for and feeling fear for, and chasing until we can’t chase it anymore.