Sometimes it feels like there are two sides of us, constantly at war. One wants to be saved and is fighting for freedom and release, and one wants to stay down, and drag everything with it. Because it’s easy, because it’s safe, because the pain is familiar. Because it’s constant. That dark, self-deprecating, self-loathing side can trick us into believing that staying down is better because it can’t get any worse if you’re already down.
And sometimes, it’s so easy to fall back into it and believe it’s true.

With summer approaching fast, my anxiety is playing tricks on me. I talked about this here before – I really don’t like summer. I don’t like the heat, and how routines change. I do like change, every now and then, but it just makes me feel like everything is upside down. It doesn’t make sense. It makes me panic. I read something the other day that explains and simplifies anxiety/panic attacks to people who don’t understand or know how it feels. It’s kinda like when you’re walking up or down the stairs and you miss a step and almost fall and for a second you feel this intense dread or fear, that’s exactly how it is, but it’s constant. Or if it isn’t constant, it lasts way long than just a second. And what also makes it so frustrating is that you know this has no basis of reality, that it’s (mostly) all in your head, yet your body seems to think otherwise and once your mind starts to believe it too, it all goes downhill.
I feel a little lost right now and photography is the only thing that makes sense so I’m trying to keep myself busy and keep shooting. Often failing too, but that’s okay.

This shoot was so much fun because I got to play around with face/body paint. Of course, the water made the paint fade a little (I only had kids face paint) so I exaggerated that on photoshop. And also made a speed-edit video because that’s always fun 🙂
The first texture I used is by Lara Jade and the second by Brooke Shaden.

2014-2017 The Making Of Thoughts amani alshaali anxiety failure fears fine art photographer fine art photography insecurities inspiration photography photoshop photoshop edit speed edit the making of thoughts