Tethered

Tethered, August 2020

I always want to be there for the people I care about, but I can’t help but feel like my hands are tied and I can’t fix anything and I’m drowning in my own misery. It’s almost as if everything is chosen for me, like fate or destiny, and it drags me down and I might think I’m making my own choices, but most of the time I’m not. 

Life’s like this one giant puppet master and there’s nothing I can do about it. 

At least it’s helping me stay afloat. It might be controlling me, but it’s keeping my head above water. Maybe that’s the plus side. Losing all control and surrendering to what’s happening around me. It keeps me floating. 

But I don’t want to just float. I want my life to mean something. I want to put my heart into everything I do. I don’t want to just go through the motions. I can’t surrender, not yet. I still have some fight left in me. It might leave me bruised and bloodied, but it’ll wash away eventually.

Battle, August 2020

So maybe it’s easy to stay here. Let life do its thing and surrender all control. But then what? Will I look back and think I’ve lived my life to the fullest? I don’t want to drown and if I cut these ties I might. I need to find my way out of this murkiness and into something more meaningful. I don’t know what it is, but maybe in trying, it’ll all make sense. 

Release, August 2020

2020

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