Just a few more days till 2015! Who’s excited?

I am, and I’m not.
I am because a new year sometimes feels like you get a chance to start over, like you get a clean slate and anything is possible.
I’m not because almost every photographer I follow has posted something about their new years resolution and all their plans for 2015 and that scares me. It scares me because honestly? I have no idea what I’m doing. I know I want photography to be my full-time job, but I don’t know how to make that happen. You might say “oh it’s simple Amani! Just quit your job and pursue photography”
I work in the family business. I know I can quit if I really wanted to and they’ll get over it, but it’s so hard to “make it” in the art world here. I don’t have big projects planned for 2015 or anything extraordinary. That’s why I’m scared.

But that’s not going to stop me from having new years resolutions. And this year, they’re small things that, I think, can have a huge impact.
My new years resolutions are:

1. To Laugh
I spend a lot of time on my own. Especially when I’m at work, I don’t interact with a lot of people. So lately, I’ve been doing small silly things and making myself laugh. I know that sounds silly, but sometimes I think of something and I burst out laughing but at the same time I know that if anyone knew what I was thinking they’d think I have the worst and lamest sense of humor (which I do). But I still make myself laugh, and that makes me happy.
Take this for example. I was staring out the window, watching the clouds, when I decided to do this:

2. To Love
Myself and others. I want this to be the year that I finally give myself the love that I so happily share with others.

3. To Live
And truly enjoy the little moments. Right now, I’m planning on going out to our backyard after I’m done writing this so I can enjoy the weather with a nice cup of coffee. That, alone, fills me with joy. I enjoy being outside and I wish it was cold here more often.
“learning how to live for a living” – Buddy Wakefield

4. To Be Kinder
I struggle with this sometimes because I’m always going back and forth between thinking I’m too kind, to the point where people walk all over me, or I’m not kind enough. I want to be there for those I care about, and be kind to everyone around me, but also – and this is just as important – I want to be kinder to myself. I want this to be the year where self-loathing and self-deprecating comes to a halt.

5. To Be My Own Source of Happiness
We can sit here and blame disney movies for making us believe that we can’t be happy without our prince charming, but let’s not. Although it’s been an idea that was embedded in us since we were kids, we can always try to change that. I don’t want my life to revolve around that one special person I’m going to meet someday. I don’t want to live my life thinking “when I fall in love, I’ll be happy”. I want to be my own source of happiness.

I know that all of that is easier said than done. I think it’s something that needs practice, day in and day out. But also it’s important to take it one day at a time. It’s easy for me to say that this is what I want to do, but it’s so hard to take action because half the time, I let myself fall into a dark place. Lately, I’ve been keeping it all in, thinking “there’s nothing that people can tell me that I don’t already know” but also thinking I don’t want to be a burden. I saw my best friend the other day and I told her that. What she said almost brought tears to my eyes. She said “I know you’re strong, I know you can get through this, but you don’t have to do this alone”.

I shot this a few weeks ago and kept going back and forth with it. The lyrics from a Blue October song were stuck in my head – “a heavy weight, I carry around”. And it got me thinking that the weight we carry around can feel unbearable sometimes that we wonder, for a few seconds, if it would just be easier to let it take over, and take us under.

P.s. the new picture for the 52 week project will be a few days late cause I’m experimenting with something new. Let’s hope it works!

I’d love to know what your new years resolutions are! Feel free to share 🙂

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